Today I have been thinking alot and thinking about why do I fail and what am I trying to achieve and who exactly I am.... (how deep and stupid does that sound!!) but I think as your life changes and as your environment changes you.. of course... change. The last 12 months have been a real shake up for me, I have left my old city totally and have embraced the next stage of my life. The truly adult stage. I think alot about my life in Oxford and all the things that happened, the people I met and the friends I made. I realise now that the person I was in Oxford isn't me anymore alot of the people I knew there are most defiantly not people I want in my life now. The majority of them I am no longer in contact with and don't see and the people I am still in contact with are the people I want to continue being friends with.
However I still find it hard as I can see the person I truly feel I am becoming and am getting glimpses of the life that we will lead and sometimes I wonder of some of our friends will come with us into the next chapter of our life. I know that sounds so awful and I don't want it to but I just sometimes wonder. One of my close friends said something to me recently which the more I think about the more it it annoys me as it was totally unsupportive of her and almost like she was wishing that Biggy and I aren't moving forward with our life because she hasn't. I guess that is what is making think of these things. Also I think its because a few friends from Oxford that I thought were going to stay in contact haven't really and I realise it's not because we don't like each other it's just that all our lives are moving on, mine in one direction and theirs in another.
I think sometimes I fail because I am still half the person I was ..always taking the joke, always being oh that's just me, not going anywhere to care about my appearance, never having any money to afford things, looking for the good time, fitting in with others and waiting for my life to happen etc instead I need to concentrate on the person I feel am becoming and want to be... successful, well dressed, stylish, fit and healthy, true to my feelings, charming, sexy, feminine, confident. All the things I used to think "oh when that happens things will change" are happening now, so I need to stop waiting and really push to allow the changes to continue.
I also think the reason why I am thinking so much is because we are eventually getting our own place we are moving out of this limbo phase. It may not be what we had planned but we are starting and I want our flat and our life to be everything we are becoming. This is such an exciting time in our lives and I know I deserve to have the support from friends around me not people that are envious, or people I am going to feel guilty or self conscious around.
I know everything I say sounds really harsh and heartless and I am not that kind of person but I am also tired of my past making me feel guilty and falling back into it. I am not that person anymore. I don't want it and won't have it weighing down on me.
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