Oh... where to begin? Do you ever have that feeling of shame that keeps you up at night... where you just keep on playing things over in your mind again and again and go "oh why...why did I do it"? That is what I have at the moment and I hate it. I know I just need to forget it..stop thinking about it and what's done is done...and actually it's not even that bad.
 |
| (Old Photo) |
On Friday it was our work Xmas party (A bit late I know) anyway it was all going really well but I was the only one drinking red wine...everybody else was on white..anyway of course me being me a douchebag meant that I was necking back the red wine... I got quite drunk and probably didn't make a as much a prat out of myself as I think I did I didn't do anything crazy... I didn't say anything rude... I danced and had fun... But then Biggy came to pick me up and that's where it gets a bit hazy...I can't remember the journey home I can't remember getting home... I do remember throwing some pillows downstairs telling him to F'off and he should sleep on the couch. I woke up at 5 o'clockish and didn't know where he was and then it all slowly came back to me...bit's of it. I of course am mortified... this is not who I am... this wild child...I never ever ever want Biggy to sleep on the couch from an argument I don't believe it... I think however angry you are you should still sleep in the same room as otherwise it's so easy to stay angry and continue the argument. At the party everybody was drinking and I am sure I am not the only person that was drunk! But it doesn't matter... I don't really mind so much (still a little bit) what people think, it's the fact that I disappointed myself and feel ashamed of myself.
I don't like the person I become when I drink... I don't like not remembering things.. I don't like not being in control... I don't like what I say or how I act. It's not the person I am. So I have come to the decision to not drink wine anymore or only on special occasions. I just can't handle it anymore. I will continue to drink but will only drink cider at home and when going out I will stick to alchopops and things.
Now some of you may be thinking well that's not going to work... that's like a person who knows they will have more than one cookie saying no I will be strong this time and just have one..guess what they don't. Well for me it is different... when it's party time... I drink alot... I drink quickly and think I am still the same from when I was 22 and working in hospitality. This is the time I do things that I regret.. and so this is the time I will stick to light drinks or not at all as I just can't handle it.
However
At Sunday lunch with my parents where we have a gin and tonic first followed by wine with the meal I am fine. Going forward I will say no to the top up of gin and just have 2 glasses with dinner.. but apart from that I plan on not drinking very much at all.
Biggy and I do drink wine at home... but to be honest it's expensive and really wouldn't hurt me if I don't drink it. So I have decided that on weekends when we stay in (which is often as we are trying to save) I will just drink cider. We went to the supermarket on Saturday and I stocked up on cordials and things and so far am doing fine..
I really feel like I am ready for this. I don't want the hangovers anymore, I don't want to feel this inner shame anymore, I don't want to mess up my eating habits because of a hangover and I don't want to shame eat ( I feel like by eating I am hiding my other feelings ie the burning shame!)
So that's that.... a special Sunday Shame post from me to you!
You are right....certain drinks dont fit with certain people. Dont ruin wine forever by f**king up on it.....save it for when you're an old git like me and you want to savour a few glasses!!
ReplyDeleteAlso...while it's a good ldea to learn from a big bad night out, don't scourge yourself too hard. As you say, you prob weren't as bad as you think you were!! You sound so like me in my 20's but you're sorting yourself out young so kudos to you!!!
Chin up chuck.
Lesley xx
I'm also making the same choice- to minimize the drinking. I always feel horrible about it the next day. It's empty calories and I just eat whatever I want when drunk-which is never in accordance with my diet. Good luck to you!
ReplyDeleteWhen I go out I just make sure to have a large glass of water between each drink... And I get too full of fluids to drink much.
Oh, that feeling after you get drunk at a work do is awful, but, in my experience, it's never as bad as you think when you go back in! And the people who notice the most are normally the people you're closest with who won't judge you anyway...!
ReplyDeleteI think if you don't like yourself drunk, that's a really good idea! Maybe you can find something that you will drink a lot slower? I personally can knock back spirits, but, if I get a glass of wine I'll end up nursing it all night because I'm not a big fan. Maybe you could do that when you're out?
Good luck! :-)
x
Well done for being able to move on for it, when trying to lose weight it's best to cut drinking out completely but if you don't feel as though you can do that it's better to drink spirits and mixers - just make sure you get a spirit measure (a small cup) so you don't give yourself too much - as these have got a lot fewer calories than wine or cider. Good luck with whatever you choose!
ReplyDeleteI know that feeling. I hate waking up with the 'what did I do?' 'did I embarrass myself?' thoughts. Good for you for taking control and getting back up again.
ReplyDeletex