Taking the power away from food…

I was thinking yesterday about food and the power it has over me.. I get frustrated that I keep on failing and it always relates back to the food I have eaten. I feel like it is a basic mistake to make and at this stage of my journey I really shouldn’t be making it.. I told you how the other day I ate 6 pieces of toast and in my head I was actually thinking “eat as mush as possible now and then nobody will know about and then you can eat MORE when it’s dinner time”.. food is literally addictive to me and holds such a power over me..  I look at it like gold… but only the “bad” stuff…. I don’t look at a carrot and think… “OMG..give it to me now” but with cake, cookies, crisps etc I end up having to throw it out as if I have one I end up having the whole pack.. and I know it should be easy to just not have one in the first place but that little demon is saying you can have one.. it’s ok you will be able to stop this time…  

I need to look at food differently, stop it having it’s golden glow. Don’t get me wrong I still want to enjoy food and cook lovely dishes and still treat myself from time to time but not look at food as the be all and end all of my life…which at the moment it is.. I’m not happy with my figure due to the food I have eaten, I monitor the food I eat every day, I think about what I am eating for the next meal so I can plan… I am ALWAYS thinking of food.  All the bad stuff, the high sugar and fat is always calling my name. If on Monday I had had a skinny Pizza would I have enjoyed it any less… no.. would I have really missed having a dessert… last night did I really need to eat those crisps when I got home and did I really need to have the dessert Biggy bought or could I have just said no and moved on. Why can’t I realise that if I don’t eat the food then and there I will still be alive the next day and if the next day I think gosh you know what.. I really do want that..#insert crappy food here#… I can still have it.  

Today I got on the scales and I am 2lbs up… and that’s all because of the small stupid mistakes I make day to day that by themselves don’t amount to much but all add up…and so far has resulted in not one good eating day this week… If I want to ever get below 182lbs (which at the moment I think is impossible) then I need to stop doing this and stop giving power to food that I then regret moments later.  I have come so far to give up now.. and it’s not even becoming about the scales anymore it’s more and more becoming about being healthy and happy with myself, and I know the answer to that is eating well and exercising regularly.. as I then and only then can I have no regrets and can’t have fat days or negative images of myself as I will have no reason to have those thoughts as I will be doing everything right… and that includes having a treat time to time. 

Binge Fest...

Hi all, so how is everyone doing? I was doing fine... until today. Weighed in yesterday back to 182 which I am pleased about especially as I had 4 days of quite heavy eating as I explained last time. I have gone back to the gym which I am really pleased about as well. I started doing HIIT training and did really well on the running machine. 

Anyway...today wasn't a very good day... I just totally binged and its so awful. I know why it happened and how... I forgot my Veg juice which I was really annoyed about as I had made a really yummy one... I am really organized and make everything the night before, I get my clothes ready for the next day and my gym bag all set ready to go so I have no excuses...anyway... I went to the gym... had a great run and then went to work but didn't have anything for my breakfast as thought I had packed a breakfast bar, but I had forgotten that and couldn't have my juice early as had forgotten that as well... anyway... I then had to go out and get some lunch and got a salad.. I got a smoked salmon and avocado salad and asked for some sundried tomatoes with it..a gluten free brownie and an apple... I didn't need the brownie but there was lots of choice and while I was waiting for the lady to make my salad I was looking around... If I hadn't looked around I wouldn't have picked it up (FIRST MISTAKE) then when I got back to the office I opened up my salad and it was literally dripping in oil..I actually had to tilt my plate and soak it all up with some kitchen paper. It was awful... 

Then I think the brownie kind of induced a further sugar craving and I ended up having a big slice of chocolate cake, it was a girls birthday in the office, I knew I didn't need it but ate it anyway... (SECOND MISTAKE)... then when I got home I don't know what was wrong with me but all I could think was "eat before anyone comes home and sees" ... so I had 6 slices... yes SIX slices of toast with butter and jam and then 2 Ferrero Rocher (THIRD MISTAKE) 

I don't know what was wrong with me.. even now as I sit here I feel sick from eating so much and can feel the fat of the butter in my stomach and mouth but at the same time keep on thinking of food.... I know that if I had remembered my juice this morning then none of this would have happened....but I did and then I couldn't control myself... I know that I can't have bad things in the house... I throw biscuits out if I know that I can't contain myself etc and try not to put myself in a position where I am going to be tempted... But I just think why after all this time can I still not control myself... and why am still sitting at 182lbs...( well I know why... Its all the fricking toast I have eaten today!)... 

There is a girl in the office who has lost 49lbs in a 12 months...and here am I 42lbs down, still struggling to control binges, still struggling with  getting below 182lbs, still gaining and losing and have been doing it for 18 months.... what's wrong with me... why can't I focus and sort it all out for the final time??? 

HUGE Catch Up

Well hello there! So sorry for going AWOL for awhile! I have started a new job so as you can imagine I have been very busy the last week and I haven't had my usual time to be able to blog..but going to make sure that I now blog when I come home from work.

So what's been happening with me? To be honest quite alot... last Saturday I watched a program called "Fat, Sick & Nearly Dead"which was quite bizarre as I had recently read about it a couple of days before in my UK Women's Health Magazine. Anyway I wanted to watch it and see what all the fuss was about...and to sum it up very briefly, it's a guy who was quite overweight and also had a sickness where he was on quite alot of medication and had been predicted that if didn't things changes he would not have alot longer to live. After going to a number of doctors who couldn't help him he decided to take things into his own hands and go on a  special diet...now what he doesn't explain is how he decided what diet to do.. but anyway...he Juiced Veg and Fruit for 60 days straight and by the end of it had come off his medication, reduced all signs of his illness and had reached his range for a healthy weight...

He came off all the crap he had been eating to "Re-boot" his system and never at any point did Joe (Joe Cross) say that this was a lifestyle or a continual way of life...but to look at it as a way to reboot your system, break habbits and ween our body off unhealthy foods. I decided that I really wanted to try it... I don't eat enough vegetables or fruit and definitely don't get my 5 a day so even if I just added a Juice in to my diet along with everything else I couldn't see it doing me any harm... So the last week I have been doing my own version of Joe's reboot and do you know what... I feel excellent.

I started last Saturday and weighed in at 186lbs...and I did the Juicing up to Friday evening.... this is what I have been doing.... I have a Protein shake in the morning with a glass of Juice, Followed by Juice for Lunch and then a Veg Soup with extra beans or a tortillia or something in the evening. I stood on the scales on Friday morning and was back at 182lbs so I was really pleased... I also was feeling great. 

Now Joe did this juicing for 60 straight days but I don't want to as I do want to bring this into my everyday life for the long term so my plan will be:

Mon: Protein + Juice for Breakfast, Juice for Lunch, Soup for Dinner

Tues:Protein+ Juice for Breakfast, Juice for Lunch, Soup for Dinner

Wed:Protein + Juice for Breakfast, Juice for Lunch, Light Dinner of Fish or White Meat with Veg

Thurs:Protein + Juicefor Breakfast , Juice for Lunch, Soup for Dinner

Fri:Protein + Juice for Breakfast, Juice for Lunch, My Choice

Sat: My Choice 

Sun: My Choice

Now so far I have been doing well on the Juicing, I have not missed a day and really enjoy making them. At the moment I am having a Protein shake in the morning but am going to see if I need to have proper protein (Bagel and peanut butter or egg and turkey) once I have returned to the gym. The one area that I have not been so good with was after this weekend... we had a family weekend mainly at my parents house so there was alot of food, then on Monday I had my juice in the day but in the evening we had another family evening which involved Cava, nibbles and a Dominos...then on Tuesday again I did all the juicing as planned in the day but had one of my best friends come over as I forgot her birthday (eek) so we had a fully blown evening last night as well. Tonight is going to be the first day that I have really stuck to the plan but the last two days are unusual as  normally during the week we stay in and it's just the 2 of us.  The good thing is that things could be alot worse if I hadn't stuck to my plan during the day..!!!

Now another area I have been really bad in since starting my new job is the GYM... So  stopped my last job about 2.5 weeks ago and had a 4 day weekend so I took a mini holiday and didn't go to the gym. On the Monday I started my new job after lunch so went to the Gym in the morning which was fine... but haven't gone to the gym since. Last week I was a bit weary of going to the gym and doing a full workout when I was starting the juicing as I didn't know how my body would feel. This week however I am feeling really good and am not worried at all about going to the gym.. but have I gone.. no... I am out of the habbit... it's taken less then 14 days for me to get out of my routine... I have set my alarm so many times to get up at 6.00am to go to the gym but then I wake up see how dark it is and change my alarm to give me an extra hour in bed. I hate it.. I really want to go and it's my own sheer will power that will get me there... the crazy thing is that I actually really miss it! I think a bit of it is becuase I haven't had the chance to blog (keeps me accountable), haven't been on Twitter as much (Keeps me inspired), haven't been on Pinterest much (Keeps me motivated) and haven't been reading all the health mag's on line (Keeps me up to date!) ANYWAY... tomorrow I am really going... I have packed my gym bag like I used to so everything is ready to go and have already made my juice for tomorrow so can just take it out of the fridge and go.... 

So here we are ... a mega catch up and lots of exciting things happening as usual...watch out for my tweet tomorrow morning from the gym straight after my workout! 

Still Here!!

Hi people....im still here...I had last Thursday and Friday off work and started my new job yesterday!  So much to take in and do...will check in later...but weight wise alk going well and back down to 182lbs!

Dark Mornings.. Worst Thing EVER

I went to the gym this morning but OMG it was hard work getting up..it was dark outside and I was so snug in my bed...that perfect temperature when you are really warm in bed but it's slightly chilly outside of bed. Love those moments... but it does make going to the gym the least appealing thing in the world. However I got up and pushed myself out and to the gym...this morning was my first day of my starting my toning exercise again and God it was hard. I forgot how hard..it didn't help either that this morning there were a few people in the gym.. normally I am the only one in the ladies area... I was so concious of looking like an idiot especially when I had to do burpees and was really struggling!  

Last night I didn't have any wine and was in bed by 10pm which was great. Biggy and I spoke about money though and I really need to cut back as I want to stop using my credit cards... so it means I can't buy a juicer this month which then means that I can't really juice as a blender wouldn't really work...would it? I might give it a go in a  blender and see what happens actually... anyway Tuesday and Thursday my target will be 1000 calories as that will still allow me to have a soup or something for dinner in preparation  for my run the next day and also means I only need to cut 1500 for the rest of the week. 

At the moment I am on track and still have just over 400cals for my evening meal... I will either have a soup or a big salad...not sure yet.... 

Looking forward to my run tomorrow morning... shock horror

Monday Weigh In

Not a pretty sight this morning... 187lbs... 2lbs away from 189lbs... I never want to see 189lbs on the scale again..The weekend was really good exercise wise but not great food wise... a bit of boredom eating and quite alot of wine AGAIN... Never mind... over it... 

My plan this week is to make sure I get all my exercise in, make sure I am 100% good on my food not drink during the week and just really keep my head down and stay on track. I have been thinking of ways to shake up my food to make sure I can keep on track and lose this extra 5lbs that I am carrying around... I have done alot of reading and thinking and have decided that I am going to try the following... At the moment my workout routine is as follows: 

Mon: Run

Tues: Run

Wed: Rest

Thurs: Run

Fri: Run

Sat: What I want

Sun: Rest

But I actually want to change this and bring back the toning exercises that I did for a while but never actually gave a chance to work.... So I am going to change it to: 

Mon: Run

Tues: Toning

Wed: Run

Thurs: Toning

Fri: Run

Sat: What I want

Sun: Rest

Now on the days that I am doing the toning I am going to incorporate my own style of the 5:2 Diet...at the moment I am not sticking to my calories and feel that if I do a mix of both then I will defo come in on target in regards to my calorie deficit. The toning days I won't be actually burning a huge amount of calories as will be toning instead... so on Tues and Thurs I want to have a recovery protein shake for breakfast after my workout and then have 2 home made juices during the day followed by a light dinner of soup or salad. I have read alot about juicing and I do believe that if used correctly they would be a great benefit to anybodys diet... I know for certain that I don't get enough fruit and veg in my diet so am excited to incorporate it. 

So this is it... the start of me getting tough on myself...becoming serious and taking it to the next level. 14lbs...14 weeks... getting rid of the 5lbs extra and making myself a healthier and better person. 

ps.... check out my latest progress picture... I don't know if you can see a difference....

Feeling Good

Last night I had no wine... I stayed in my calorie goal and this morning I completed a 30 minute run by 7.30am....

I am feeling good, I am feeling in control, I am feeling sexy, I am feeling like I am changing my body and my lifestyle in a positive way, I am feeling very much back in the zone, I feel like something has clicked, I am loving the fact that by just getting up 1hour earlier I have already done my workout and don't have to spend my day thinking about the run I have to do... 

I'm Sorry For FAILING Again

This is going to be such a boring post....mainly because I have said this so many times over the last few weeks.... I keep on failing... I don't know why. I want to be fit, I want to be healthy, I want to tone up and I 100% know that none of these things come without dedication, hard work and self-belief. If I want and know all of this why do I keep on failing...especially as the only person I am hurting is myself. I am getting so fed up and tired of starting again... and tired of not even seeing 182lbs on the scale anymore... this morning it's around 185lbs.... 

I know that one of the things I am doing wrong compared to about 4/5 weeks ago when things were going well is that I am drinking a lot more...now I never totally stopped drinking but I had cut out drinking in the week and I have got back into the habit of drinking every night... to the point that I can't remember when I didn't have a drink for 24hours. So I really need to break that habit as as I have said a number of time wine alters me in so many ways...I am not as strong in regards to willpower, it makes me hungry, it's effects my personality and it defo reduces my energy to get up in the mornings to go to the gym! 

Last night we had a very nice evening but we consumed 2 bottles of wine... I didn't get up this morning to go to the gym.. I was too tired even though I went to bed around 11.30... What's the point of trying to eat healthy all day if by 6.30pm you are sabotaging yourself with a glass of wine that leads to a massive downfall.. and also I am tired of feeling guilty.. I am tired of looking at the scales and not seeing anything positive and knowing its all my own fault... 

So here is my goal...I want to have to go back to not drinking during the week...I want to go back to the gym... I enjoy the gym.. in fact I love the gym... so I just need to get back into the habit of going... like I keep on saying if I eat right, say no to the things I know I shouldn't have and exercise regularly then my body will become in better shape and my weight will go down... Why can't I just get that in my thick head....I need to really look at what I am doing everyday and see when and how I am about to fail and make sure I am in control for my future me and future body... Normally I would also set myself a weight goal as well but half of me doesn't want to as it's not about the weight so much anymore...BUT at the same time it's 14 weeks till the end of the year...and it does seem to be a perfect opportunity to challenge myself... 1bs a week...14 weeks.......