Money, Moolar, Dinero, Dosh

I am feeling incredibly low today all because of that thing that can bring so much pleasure and so much worry to your life. It's pay day, whoop whoop...  but before you know it it has all disappeared from your account and yet again you are facing 4 weeks or not having any money. Now this is all my own fault as the last few months my spending habits have got out of control I didn't save when I could have and am now broke.

Biggy and I split one salary and save the other as we are saving to buy a house. We are very lucky that normally our outgoings aren't very high because we live with my parents. So although we are both paid well and if we were not saving I would be laughing... we actually don't have that much money.

I have always had problems keeping my money in check. Always even when I was a teenager and I had an allowance I would go "whoopee money...spend spend spend" and then guess what... no money left and still 2 weeks to go until I get my next allowance. It is a problem that has caused to many arguments in my life with my parents, with Biggy and it is just an embarrassing and shameful problem to have. I am 26 and STILL can not keep my money organised.

The worse thing is is that Biggy is an accountant so he of course is AMAZING with money. He can control his expenses and save money even though I go through mine like its sand. The worse thing is I am so ashamed sometimes that I actually lie to Biggy about my finances. Last night he found out that I hadn't paid my father back for a car service even though I said I had and the money I had said I was going to give him I had actually used. Biggy was so angry and quite rightfully so. Why should I go out and spend money on things I don't really need when he really watches everything he spends and still gives me extra at the end of the month because I have not Budgeted. Its a ridiculous situation to be in especially as we make good money (not great but not bad).

It just seems that every month there has been something big to pay for. This month is my friends wedding and so am having to get a few things for that and will probably spend around £300 in total when you include, gift, bridesmaid shoes, taxi's etc. I am not even getting a new outfit as I cant afford it and have to see if I still have a dress from when I was 18 and if it will fit. Then on top of that I have some flights to pay for as we are going on holiday next month, I have to pay for my road tax, I have to pay for Admin fees before we move into our new place for contracts, I have to pay for my rent, phone bills ... the list just goes on and on and on. I calculated that today.. the day I get paid... £700 will be leaving my account to pay for things. That leaves me with very little money for the month.

I don't think I will be joining the gym this month which makes me extra depressed as I was so so so looking forward to it and was hoping I would be able to go and it would keep me focused on all things, give me something to do and enjoy in my spare time and now instead I will be stuck wishing desperately that I could go swimming but not being able to afford it.

As a result of all this stress and depression my food intake today has been just an absolute sham... if anybody wants to see emotional eating at a point blank range.. here it is!