Cry Baby

I spent all last night wailing like a newborn... not kidding... it's been building up in me the last few days and I could feel it coming and last night it just erupted..unfortunately all at Biggy.. 

Recently I have been feeling alot of self-hate rather than the self-love I try to have... and as I am sure many of you are aware.. once that negative voice has a bit of space to move in it just gets bigger and louder until it's all you can hear... I think alot of it has actually come from hitting 182lbs... I have reached my initial goal weight and have lost 40lbs...and from my heaviest I have lost 49lbs... I can remember when I was 222lbs and saying to myself everything will be amazing when I hit 182lbs, I will have my life back and feel sexy and super confident and be able to wear excatly what I want and nobody will look at me because I am fat but will look at me because I will be so damn fine....  I have now hit that magic 182lbs... and do I feel any of that...in a nutshell.. .NO... not at all... in actual fact I think I feel fatter than I did before and if anything see the flaws so much more... before I was slightly oblivious to them but now it's all I can see.. The education I have given myself in health and fitness has actually just opened my eyes to how far I have to go and that 182lbs is not where I want to be... 

At the moment I can't even look in a mirror.. I will avoid them...Biggy tired to make me look in the mirror and say all the positive things about me but I wouldn't even look up and just stood there crying... what an idiot... and that's the crazy thing... he thinks I am so attractive and tells me all the time how sexy and pretty I am and is constantly wanting to take me upstairs to the point that I almost need to push him away (almost)...so it's not like I'm with a man who doesn't help my confidence... 

There are just so many aspects of my body and image that I dislike... I hate my knees and the fat around them... I hate the fact that my arms are bingo wings... I hate my stomach and how it has no definition whatsoever and is just quite a large podgy mass... I hate that lower pooch I have...I hate that my waist is small and then quickly goes out to the round tyre that sits around my lower half of my body.. I hate that my thighs are so big that they look so far away from my calf's and go in as such an angle.. I hate that my calf's are so big that I can't wear knee high boots as my calf's won't fit into them... I hate that my arse is so saggy and is full of cellulite...I hate that my thighs squish together when I stand with my legs straight.. I hate that when I sit down recently my thighs clap together so I now am constantly thinking when I sit down to make sure it doesn't happen.. I hate that I think people are just constantly looking at me and thinking how fat I am... 

Now I know that all of this can be changed through exercise and toning... but I think that I have just realised that the number doesn't magic everything away and that I am not where I wanted to be.. I know that I need to beat that negative self-hate demon away.. and I know that hating myself isn't making me stronger or better... if anything it's just making me worse... but how.. how do you get out of the negative way of thinking.. how do you beat the voice? 

Biggy was amazing last night and just sat there listening to me while I drank a bottle of red and cried my eyes out for 2 hours straight... I think he must think I'm slightly crazy...he said would talking to someone help.. and I don't know... most of the time I am fine... but occasionally it wins and the self-hate of my body washes over me.... it's something I am going to have to fight my whole life... what happens if I reach 162lbs and I am still not happy and still don't like myself... what will I do then? 

I am not being unrelistic in my body either - I dont want to be super skinny or have a thigh gap, I also don't want to be pure muscle... my inspiration is people like Kim & Khloe Kardashian, Kelly Brook, Sofia Vergara, Salma Hayek, Beyonce, J-Lo...all curvy beautiful women...that's what I aspire to... a curvy, fit, healthy, confident woman...