Well Hola everybody! I am on my last day of holiday and am sitting on our balcony enjoying the sun! I thought while I had the time on my hands I would do a quick catch up now so when I am properly back on Monday I can hit the ground running! I don't have a weigh in for you as although our villa provides alot of things luckily they don't provide scales, but I am sure I have put on weight as I can feel it. I would take a guess that I will come in at around 210. Which if so will be very annoying but to be honest any weight I have will be the weight I will re-start at and not complain about. On that note....
This holiday as has definitely given me time to reflect and as always I know I am not happy with my weight but I am happy with my figure especially as is seems at the moment curves are in. I think actually I have alot of growing up to do in myself and in my relationship with Biggy. I need to stop caring about what other people think or do and just get on with what I want to think and what I want to do. A couple of days ago we were out on a peddle boat at the beach and I didn't get in the water I was to afraid of how I was going to get back up once I had got in. I was thinking I don't want Biggy or other people to see me trying to get back in the boat. It was only once I had figured out how to get back in and that I was actually going to be able to do it did I into the water.
I also realise that I have an anger problem and over react and over analyse EVERYTHING. I love Biggy with all my heart 100% and would say we have a very good relationship ..apart from when we argue. All my relationships have been with Latin types so I grew up with that Latin fire when I have an argument... but it is now out of control.. I don't smash plates or anything but I just blow up so quickly I don't shout loudly or get violent I just don't communicate and just seem to go "FINE you want to do that.. lets do that" and storm off instead of properly discussing things and explaining why I don't want to do it or why I don't think that might be a good idea. I also have problems doing things someone else's way... and I show that I am dubious about the plan and am pretty certain it wont work if its not my plan...this is something I really really need to work on. Any suggestions how will be more than welcome!
The other thing I really need to work on is as usual my self image... it is just appallingly bad and the worst culprit of it is my mind... the thoughts that pass through my head are shocking.. I think I know what other people are thinking. I think when Biggy and I argue he then looks at me and says to himself that I am so fat and he is only with me because he feels sorry for me and look at me how can anyone actually be happy with a lump like that! I mean have you ever heard anything to nasty in your life.. and this is coming from 100% me... Biggy only says nice things about me and to be totally blunt his appetite in the bedroom area for me is anything but diminished and definitely goes further than just the bedroom!!!!! So why can I not see these things and be better about myself in my head? Losing weight isn't just to help my self image.. I want to lose weight and it has to be about myself but I really need to sort these issues out before I can properly continue.
There has to be a reason why since August I haven't really lost any real weight and instead have been going up and down by 6/7lbs. Am I truly focused? What is holding me back? My body is my temple and do I self hate it enough to unknowingly sabotage my efforts?
This is something that no book can fix, no advice can sort out this is something that only I can fix and have to fight that evil inside myself to become happier and have that self belief and self love. I was looking through the photos we took on holiday and do you know what I didn't have one positive thing to say about myself in any of the photos. Self hate is such an ugly thing and it is common knowledge that confidence is the sexiest thing above all.
I think I am pretty
I think I have a good personalty
I don't like my body... but I am working on it.
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