I am still very much here and still staying strong...although I am feeling a bit down at the moment...I had a quick jump on the scales this morning and back up to 189 which is just so incredibly frustrating it's crazy... I think some of it might be because I have been quite backlogged the last few days (too much info...?) It's quite unusual for me so have had a few glasses of the prune juice.. I think it might be because I have changed my diet over the last few days and have I upped my protein...who knows...Also I have only gone to the gym twice so far this week... On Monday I was knackered and on Tuesday I was knackered as hardly slept due to the OVERNIGHT roadworks happening just outside my house from 7pm to 7am for the next 11 NIGHTS.....words do not cover how annoying it is...!!
I am really annoyed that I have gone back up weight wise.... I am so tired of it...realistically in the 6 months I have been doing this I have lost 7lbs which isn't much and actually nearly al of that happened in 2 weeks while in Cameroon. Just tired of being this person... I need to realise that the old me has to die to allow the person I want to be to come through... I have never felt this as much ... upon my return from my weekend in Oxford...(where I used to live)... I had a good time and it was good seeing my 2 friends... but I went out and drank too much and then am concerned that I made a tit out of myself...saw people that I didn't particularly want to see and returned to a life where towards the end I really wasnt happy and had alot of unfinished emotions... This in turn has made me feel a bit doubtful of who I am and am now asking the big questions.. who am I really.. what direction am I going in... am I nice person or a bit of an idiot..am I secure in myself..(obviously not)...and why not...how can I become who I want to be...
I know that alot of people will read this going.. chill out.. you are who you are.. but I don't really believe that... when I was 16 and a half stone I was not the person I wanted to be... when I couldn't buy clothes because nothing fitted and nothing looked good.. that is not who I want to be... when I was embarrassed by my size and hid away from people and felt worthless...that is not who I want to be... I think part of me does need to chill out in regards to personality and stop looking at skinny people and wishing I could be like them.. we all know that the prettiest person might have the dullest personality or might be incredibly mean and that in turn makes them ugly...I need to release the power that I feel other peoples opinions have on me... when I look at my life.. I have a loving family and a fiance who loves me is happy with me and wants to marry me...and I am equally in love with him as he is with me.. so that's a pretty good going... I don't know why I feel just so un-content with myself and have just so many questions running around my head... I know that even when I get to my goal weight I might not feel content... I think I will feel alot more content than I am now as alot of my head problems are due to appearance and size... anyway.. I could go on and on....
Hows everyone else doing?
Make sure that with upped protein that you also up your water soluble fiber (like brocoli and apples) to keep everything moving.
ReplyDeleteAnd I hear you lady with wondering who you are, what it's about and wondering if getting to goal will make a difference. Personally, I feel stronger in my mind but it is easy to slip back into feeling old ways when you are with old friends. Keep looking forward and remember one important thing. You really are perfect just the way you are, like really. There may be things that aren't the way you want them to be, but you have a body that works and capable of so much, a brain that is intelligent and capable of learning and people in your life that love and adore you [myself included.]
xo
thank you so much for the such kind words... I spoke to one of bff's yesterday and she assured me I'm not an idiot and that everybody questions themselves from time to time... so that mad me feel a bit better! thank you for your constant support. xx
Delete