Clothes I think make a huge difference to your confidence and mood. Recently Biggy and I were going out to the cinema and a few days before he had said how I always wear the same thing (more to come on that in a moment) so I tried to wear something different. I have these jeans that I bought when I first lost weight and they made me feel amazing before.. but now they are to big and baggy and do that rouched thing around the knee and generally make me feel like an elephant... but I thought to myself, no have confidence they will look good... so I put them on and tried to match a top with it and tried to look good but knew I felt like a fat idiot trying to look good... well all that happened was that I quietly started crying before we went out and I tried other tops on and shoes on etc. Biggy kept on asking me what was wrong and of course I told him nothing.. how do you explain to someone how you have this inner monologue going through your head that is just telling yourself how stupid you look and how much you are failing at trying to look good as of course you would never look good or sexy because you are overweight and fat and the style you so desperately want to wear will never look good whilst you are the size you currently are. I did eventually tell Biggy why I was crying but not what was in my head as I think he would run for the hills if he knew what happens in there sometimes... I explained that I always wear the same jeans as they make me feel good and I am confident and relaxed in them. He totally understood and said that why didn't I just tell him that, he knows I am losing weight and so not all my clothes fit me correctly at the moment.
I know that this future person is me but it's my lack of confidence and weight that is holding me back.. the other night I was watching Ugly Betty (huge fan) while doing the ironing... and I got changed 3 times into different outfits as watching that programme makes me realise that I am not happy with my current choice of clothes and style... because it's not me. I look at the people on the show and yes I know it's a show... but I think I want to have the confidence and ability to wear those clothes and have them looking good on me.
I have never been hugely into fashion and mainly because I can't wear it but that is the drive behind me losing weight. I love it... not in the sense that I am going to be wearing crazy outfits that are really at the front line of fashion but just in the sense of being able to wear the style I like and actually looking good in it. I can't wait to be the size I want to be and have the opportunity to buy good clothes that will suit me throughout the years. I can't wait to go into all the shops that I currently walk past because I know they won't do my size. I can't wait to go to the middle of the rail instead of routing around at the back for the larger sizes.
Before anyone says oh but you can look good at your size .. I know you can actually deep in my heart I don't, I think alot of people that are overweight don't look great no matter what they wear as your body isn't supposed to be overweight and I know they make bigger clothes and I know that Gok Wan can sort out anybody and make them look a million dollars... but the clothes I want to wear and the style I want won't fit or suit a person that wears a size 18 trousers (on a good day) and size 14 top. I don't want to be size 8 or anything and actually would be incredibly happy with being a size 12 bottoms...
I want to take more care in my appearance, I enjoy painting my nails and making sure I'm smelling good and feeling smooth (if you catch my drift). But it is something that is still deep inside me and is taking awhile to come out. After years of not caring so much as I had no pride in my body or self and it is still something I feel like I am playing at, when I get the nail varnish out I think to myself "Who are you kidding you are not that person" but do you know what I am that person and I want to be that person.
The fashion side will have to go on hold for a bit until I lose the weight I want, a lesson learnt as few months ago when I lost 10lbs I went out and bought a whole new wardrobe...its now all to big for me and I hate it but everything else can come out now, the nail varnish, the make up, the moisturising, the hair removal (and not when you can see it from the moon but on a regular basis) all of that can start happening now. I know it makes me feel good and I know that when I feel good I am more confident and so am more successful and focused on the final goal.
Anyway this has been a very long post and something that has been building up inside me recently.. I think it was when a friend said "What's with all the labels... your not a label person"... wrong wrong wrong... I am a label person I really like fashion but I have never been able to show that love because I have been too fat to do so.
Aww bless you :( At least all your new clothes are too big for you now and not too small :)
ReplyDeleteLea x
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Too true! I am looking forward to the day where all I have left to wear is my underwear and then I will match it with a Chanel oversized bag!!!
DeleteI so know what you mean. Health was a part of my decision to lose weight as at almost 20st I was suffering with back and joint pain and breathing problems - at age 19! But the sad truth is that the real driving force behind it is vanity. I was a student when I joined Weight Watchers - my three closest friends wore size 8-10 clothes and I could barely squeeze into a 22-24. I was miserable. Losing the weight (and I still haven't got rid of all of it even now) didn't make me instantly happy but its gone a long way to giving me the confidence I have in myself now - not just in the way I look, but in the person I am too.
ReplyDeleteI have every faith that you'll get there eventually and will be able to enjoy the clothes that you love - all it takes is faith and patience. It isn't going to happen overnight, but its the getting there that counts and if you can remember these feelings it will make it all the more likely that you'll stick to it and get to your goal because you won't want to go back to the person you were before - I know I don't!!
Lauren
alittlelessoflauren.blogspot.com
Lauren thank you so much for the kind words! Glad I am not the only person that was driven by vanity!! Having a girly night tonight as Biggy is out so writting to you with wet nail varnish and a face mask on....the fashionista is on her way!!
DeleteKa