I am really fed up of hating my body and for the life of me I can not see the positive things and only see the negative with most of those being magnified by 100%. Last night I went over to my friends house to practise our dance for her wedding. I was doing really well until I got changed into leggings and a t-shirt and people came into watch. I just almost wanted to crumble. I was just thinking I don't look good, I look grossly fat, have floppy arms, a gigantic arse and am looking grey because I am so pale. My friend then said that we had to record us doing the dance so we can remember what the moves are and practise at home, as soon as the video comes on you can see how uncomfortable I am and I just don't look at the camera at all ... the ridiculous things is that we are doing this dance in front of 800 people (no joke) so if I cant do it in front of 1 or 2 people I am screwed.When we reviewed the video I almost started crying but managed to hold it back.
The next thing that made me almost crumble was when we were having to try on outfits; we are wearing Sari's and we were able to choose from my friends huge stash of them. I love them and think look great BUT think I look like an absolute twat in them. I hate that they don't cover you up properly and I know it is the style and know that nobody will think the things I think but I just hate how all my fat is on show and I feel like it doesn't sit properly and just makes me look like a bag of material. My friends say that it suits me etc but I just don't feel good and it is all because of my own insecurities. I start to panic about how I am going to look and what other people are going to think and how I will appear...but not like "oh dear what will people think" more like " "OMG, what am I going to do.. how can I avoid this situation..how can I lose the weight quickly to make it better..what happens if it falls off... my stomach is to wobbly to wear that...what happens if it doesn't fit on the day..what happens if people actually start laughing at me.." and this loop of pure panic goes around and around and around in my head.
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| What am I missing? |
The problem is I don't know how to stop it, normally when you lose weight your confidence grows..why is mine going in the other direction? It really really gets me down and makes me not want to go out and do things as I don't want people seeing me. I think this is also why I am perhaps buying clothes as I keep on hoping that if I buy clothes that fit properly and that I am happy with it will make me feel happy and confident.
Why can I not see the following success:
1) I have to date lost 21lbs
2)The suit skirt I bought when I started my job I can now pull down without undoing it
3)I have joined a gym and go swimming every morning for 30 minutes
4)I have really changed my eating habits and now eat a lot less
5) I have learnt to say no to alot of foods (most of the time)
6) I have a much better understanding of food
7)I have kept off 21lbs
8)I am actively participating in a healthy lifestyle
9)I have learnt portion control
10) I have not once given up in the 7 months I have been on this path
Any answers out there for me? Any advice? I am really in need of it!
Ugh, Saris... I had a wedding to go to a few months ago and had this similar dilemma. There is one good thing, you can wrap it in a way that there is nothing at all showing. That's how I did it, plus if you have a choice, pick something that is satiny and will hang more comfortably on you.
ReplyDeleteFor the overall body image, I think when you start a weight loss program you are so busy trying to motivate yourself by putting your current self down. Then it becomes some sort of cycle where you can't realize what a negative self image you have created for yourself.
What you wrote out as those 10 things are perfect. Just write those out on a post it and put it on your mirror. When you look at yourself, try to find the positives only. Stop looking at yourself to scrutinize. You are beautiful!! Just because you are overweight does not change that fact!!
It takes a while to start to love yourself again. But that's what you need to do! If you are able to keep up while doing a dance (which I'm assuming may be indian?) regardless is a feat in itself.
I hope you find a way to get to this point soon. Because as soon as you do, I bet you will have this huge burden off your shoulders that had nothing to do with your weight.
Thank you so much. you are totally right, when I first started I was wanting to self motivate and was totally saying mean stuff to myself on purpose to keep it going... now i am doin git all the time and the things I used to say I truly believe and can not stop seeing the negative! defo a cycle i have to go out of!
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