1st Social Evening Without Drink

Feeling so much better than I did yesterday...phew! Last night one of my friends came over for dinner and stayed the night, we had a really nice evening and Biggy cooked a very nice Chilli Con Carne. Now the friend that came over likes wine as much as I do... doesn't drink as quickly as me but we would normally always open a bottle. This time we shared a can of cider and actually I only had a tumbler size and once that was finished didn't have any more. Biggy and my friend shared another can but I had an elderflower presse instead. Do you know what... it was good. I went to bed without feeling that I had been an idiot, said something I shouldn't or like I was going to have a headache in the morning. It was fantastic and I fell asleep feeling really good about myself it has to be said! It makes me realise that when you are with true friends you don't have to drink...something I think I did do. I didn't have enough confidence or self belief in who I am and so used to have a drink to make me "more fun"...not good! Also makes me realise that the longer I go without wine the easier it will be...I just need to get rid of the mentality that people who don't drink or don't drink as much as I do are Boring. So not true.

 

Food wise yesterday was OK...I did use some of my weekly points but I am OK with that. Because of how I was feeling I didn't eat that much during the day and then when I went home felt quite hungry so had an extra SMALL serving of chilli. I hate that... when you are feeling rough and you don't know if eating is going to help you or make you feel worse..for lunch I went to Waitrose and had a look around and just didn't know what I was going to eat. I ended up making not the best decision as I had a salad from their salad bar... to be honest it was not that great and SO HARD to point up! That is one thing I wish we had in the UK.....when ever I watch American programmes the food they get from Deli's always look really nice. On the Kardashians (I know) they are always eating ready made salads and they look so yummy and different.

 

Going to the Gym tonight, normally tonight is my cleaning night (lucky me) but I didn't go to the gym last night as I picked up my friend just after work so tonight will go to the gym and do the cleaning as well!!!

 

Also I got on the scales again this morning (something I want to stop doing) and saw 198lbs.. really really feel that I will hit 196lbs by Monday especially as I am trying to stick to just my daily points and not use my weekly allowance and now I am not drinking it should be really easy!

Feel Like I'm Going to Keel Over

OMG....feeling so so ill. I woke up with a banging headache I took 2 tablets but it wouldn't go away and now feel like I am about to be sick any minute. Really don't feel good! Anyway... 2nd day of not drinking and that's really good...also went to the gym last night and had a really good workout... 30 minutes on the cross trainer and then some toning workouts. Also this morning I got on the scales and am back down to 199lbs...which although is still not 196 it much better than 203!!! I am going now before I infect anyone!

Monday Weigh In -07.01.12

Well no surprise at all.... 203lbs. After being good on Wednesday, Thursday and Friday day and seeing 198lbs on Friday morning I then of course went and F'd everything up on Friday night and the weekend. I did alot of emotional eating and alot of Hangover eating....so that sucks.

 

However...that week is gone and over with and here I am again to start afresh... This week is going to be a good week, a positive week and all the thoughts from my actions from the weekend will stop as of now. Don't focus on the negative focus on the positive:

 

1)Not letting a gain throw me off

2)Realising I don't like the effects of me drinking and doing something about it

3)Feeling stronger by saying No

4)Having a lovely Sunday with Biggy

5)Really going to focus on eating habbits this week

 

I am going to the gym  tonight which is good and I am looking forward to it and am also looking forward to my 1st week with no drink!

 

Have a good week everyone! xx

Sunday Special

Oh... where to begin? Do you ever have that feeling of shame that keeps you up at night... where you just keep on playing things over in your mind again and again and go "oh why...why did I do it"? That is what I have at the moment and I hate it. I know I just need to forget it..stop thinking about it and what's done is done...and actually it's not even that bad. 

(Old Photo)

On Friday it was our work Xmas party (A bit late I know) anyway it was all going really well but I was the only one drinking red wine...everybody else was on white..anyway of course me being me a douchebag meant that I was necking back the red wine... I got quite drunk and probably didn't make a as much a prat out of myself as I think I did I didn't do anything crazy... I didn't say anything rude... I danced and had fun... But then Biggy came to pick me up and that's where it gets a bit hazy...I can't remember the journey home I can't remember getting home... I do remember throwing some pillows downstairs telling him to F'off and he should sleep on the couch.  I woke up at 5 o'clockish and didn't know where he was and then it all slowly came back to me...bit's of it. I of course am mortified... this is not who I am... this wild child...I never ever ever want Biggy to sleep on the couch from an argument I don't believe it... I think however angry you are you should still sleep in the same room as otherwise it's so easy to stay angry and continue the argument.  At the party everybody was drinking and I am sure I am not the only person that was drunk! But it doesn't matter... I don't really mind so much (still a little bit) what people think, it's the fact that I disappointed myself and feel ashamed of myself. 

I don't like the person I become when I drink... I don't like not remembering things.. I don't like not being in control... I don't like what I say or how I act. It's not the person I am. So I have come to the decision to not drink wine anymore or only on special occasions. I just can't handle it anymore. I will continue to drink but will only drink cider at home and when going out I will stick to alchopops and things. 

Now some of you may be thinking well that's not going to work... that's like a person who knows they will have more than one cookie saying no I will be strong this time and just have one..guess what they don't.  Well for me it is different... when it's party time... I drink alot... I drink quickly and think I am still the same from when I was 22 and working in hospitality. This is the time I do things that I regret.. and so this is the time I will stick to light drinks or not at all as I just can't handle it. 

However

At Sunday lunch with my parents where we have a gin and tonic first followed by wine with the meal I am fine. Going forward I will say no to the top up of gin and just have 2 glasses with dinner.. but apart from that I plan on not drinking very much at all. 

Biggy and I do drink wine at home... but to be honest it's expensive and really wouldn't hurt me if I don't drink it. So I have decided that on weekends when we stay in (which is often as we are trying to save) I will just drink cider. We went to the supermarket on Saturday and I stocked up on cordials and things and so far am doing fine..

I really feel like I am ready for this. I don't want the hangovers anymore, I don't want to feel this inner shame anymore, I don't want to mess up my eating habits because of a hangover and I don't want to shame eat ( I feel like by eating I am hiding my other feelings ie the burning shame!)

So that's that.... a special Sunday Shame post from me to you! 

Out With The Old ..In With The New

As we all know I am trying to sort out my fashion and re-design my wardrobe... I am really excited about this and know it's going to be a challenge but have found a couple of helpful little things to get me on my way. I think the challenges I am facing are:

• Not wearing things that are my "fat" clothes
• Not wearing things that make me feel like my old self (i.e party lifestyle, fat, not happy)
• Really thinking about how I feel in the clothes
• Making really wise choices to if the items truly suit me
• Making use of the clothes I currently have

I know that clothes have a big impact on to how I feel and can either make me feel AMAZING or can make me feel horrendous. I know exactly what style I want and know that it will suit me BUT what I want to do is learn about my style as although I know what style I want from pictures and things it's easier to look at an outfit that has been put together than actually putting one together yourself. So for the next few months I am going to do my best to not buy many clothes and anything I buy I want them to be a staple part of my wardrobe so perhaps shoes, accessories, or timeless tops etc.. Another reason for not wanting to buy much is my figure will change and the style I want to have suits a smaller frame so don't want to waste money buying the style but putting it on a frame that isn't quite ready for it yet...

Anyway starting to ramble (I am very tired today)... I want to get to the stage that I can happily wear anything in my wardrobe and feel, confident and good in it and not be thinking OMG I have nothing to wear... my first task was to go through my wardrobe and see what I wanted to keep and what I didn't want to keep.. this is always hard... but I manged it and have got my wardrobe alot more organised.

Now some of you may think I am quite sad but I also found this app and it really helped and to be honest I am loving it...it's called "Stylish Girl" (I know that I sound like a teenager) and you can find it for the  iphone or Android...now it takes a little bit of dedication when you get it as you have to take photos of all your clothes but it basically helps you put an outfit together without having to try on all your clothes. It also allows you to save outfits and date when you wore outfits so you don't wear the same thing twice in a week (Blasphemous!) Now the other thing it allows you to do which I love is go shopping. So you can click on the different item you want to go shopping for, filter your search and it will basically search the whole of the Internet for what you are looking for. I think that this is amazing... as often I find that I shop in the same places and don't know where to look online. I know that there are millions of online retailers but if you don't know them how do you find them?! When you find an item you like you can click on it and it will take you directly to the retailer's website! The app will also keep you up to date with all fashion news and latest styles... I am loving it.

2013 Will Be My Year

Ok so I have to say I am actually really really looking forward to this year. If I look back at last year I started the year feeling really down I spent New Year on the couch with my parents while Biggy worked in a bar and I felt crap... I hated my job...I was really fat...Biggy was working nights...we lived in a caravan...my "friends" were letting me down all over the place and I really thought things couldn't really get alot worse.

 

They didn't get worse... I started the long journey of sorting out my life and had a great year...I got a new job... Biggy got a GREAT job which is 9-5...we moved into a lovely renovated place...I realised that my friends were bringing me down and left them...and I lost the most weight I have ever lost and kept it off....

 

2013 is going to be even better... I feel stronger than ever and only now believe that with age comes wisdom and confidence... I am becoming less afraid of what people think and not putting so much relevance onto others and more onto me and my life...I am really happy with our lifestyle and environment and now we have the big things sorted I can focus on me personally. So here are my aims for 2013.....drum roll please...

 

 

#1        I will reach 164lbs (11.9st) by the end of the year

This will mean that I am at my Weight Watchers goal....which will also be a grand total of 32lbs loss for the year...Now I figure I lost 26lbs since March 2012 which gives me 2 extra months to lose 6lbs... and with the extra knowledge I now have and no weddings to attend it should  will be achievable.

 

 

 

 

#2         I will be less dramatic

I blow up very quickly. I take alot of things to the extreme and it is just not needed. It makes your life alot more stressful and makes Biggy as mad as hell. I really want to work on it.

 

#3        I will communicate more

Half the reason I blow up is because I don't communicate very well. I will imagine/plan something in my head... i.e at 6.00 o'clock we will be sitting down and having a romantic glass of wine. But I then don't tell this to Biggy so at 6.10 he is still doing what ever he is doing and I am on the couch with a bottle of wine getting angrier and angrier with him then causing me to blow up it really isn't very fair as he has no idea that this was what my plan was. It is the same with feelings.. if i am hurt I just say I am fine or if I don't agree I just say whatever... I should calmly (without being dramatic) say what I think so we can compromise or together work out a better plan.

 

 

#4        I will not stress if things don't go to plan

I am the kind of person that plans ( if you couldn't tell) and I look at the time alot. I always want things done a certain way... which most of the time is good there is nothing wrong with you wanting things done a certain way or your way... BUT I stress if things don't go to plan...and I shouldn't. If normally I have lunch at 1 and people are coming over and don't arrive till 2 which then of course means we don't end up eating until 4 (which will then throw out the rest of the meals) it doesn't matter. If Biggy wants to do something else first which will effect the plan I have in my head (see above aim!) and unless it will really have a big impact then it doesn't matter. I need to be a bit more flexible and relax!

 

 

#5      I will make wise clothes choices

I buy clothes every month and yet I have nothing to wear... I spend around £100 a month at least on things I know deep down don't suit me or I am a bit unsure about. This is stupid and I shouldn't do it. It's a waste of money and not who I am. I want to really sort out my fashion. I know what I want to wear and the style I want to have.... now I just need to stick to it and work at it. I also need to realise that I might have to hold off buying new things while I get the figure I want, the reward of walking into a shop and buying the style I want and it really suiting me and FITTING me will really be worth all the clothes I buy that I don't really like. I can learn with the things I have and buy wise choices now that will stand the test of time. Clothes is one of the main reasons I wanted to lose weight..so embrace it.. I am not the person I once was and should/can/will dress to suit my lifestyle now and not think "I can't wear that I am not that person" because shock horror.. I am that person... and I deep down know it!

 

#6       I will value true friendship

The 2 years I have gained alot of friends and have lost alot of friends. Right now we don't have many friends...something Biggy and I are aware of but are not cut up about. The friends that we have left behind are people that weren't true friends, are not supportive and want a friendship that is one way. I don't want that. We don't want that. The friends we do have I value above all else as they are the people that have shown me and  offered me everything I want in a friend. I will make better choices in 2013 and only give my time to people who have the same understanding of friendship as I do.

 

 

 

 

 

 

By the end of the year I will have built the first blocks of a very solid me...I can not wait.

Weigh In After Xmas and New Year

Hello everybody! Will do a WI post today and then tomorrow tell you all about the exciting plans I have for 2013!

 

I did a weigh in on the 31st of December and came in at 198lbs (14stone 2lbs) ...which I was very pleased with as 2lbs over Christmas is damn good if you ask me... BUT then I got on the scales this morning and saw 200lbs (14.4lbs) and again to be honest I am not too worried about it as I did eat alot over Christmas ... nothing to crazy but more than normal. I am more than confident that I will get back to bang on 14 quite quickly.... if not by this coming Monday..I am of course going to be extra good but also just to be back to a routine and counting points again will make a big difference. I tried to count points of the Christmas period but it was just too hard with all the nibbles that were going on... this week is a short week at work (yay!) but also means less days to get back to 196lbs.. my plan is a healthy breakfast...soup for lunch and a light dinner... I will also be returning to the gym starting  today so will have gone to the gym 4 times before the next weigh in.

 

One thing I did do over the break was go to the gym 3 times between Christmas and New Years which I am really pleased about. When I got on the cross trainer for the 1st time after Christmas within 5 minutes I was sweating my arse off and was out of breath...just goes to show what turkey and pigs in blankets will do to you!

 

The holiday was a really good break and it was so nice to spend time with Biggy and the family...and also since having the chat with him (see Being Honest post) things have really improved with activities and I defo relaxed and am just not worrying about things anymore so much which improves so many aspects of it all.

 

Anyway the house is now all Christmas free... I love putting up the decorations but also love taking them all down... and am so looking forward to the New Year... will have to tell you all my plans tomorrow..

 

Happy New Year everybody...2013 is going to ROCK!

 

 

Weigh In- 24.12.12

196lbs....196lbs......196lbs! I did it...I have reached bang on 14 stone in time for Christmas! I am so so happy and so proud of myself! I now just need to maintain or lose more in time for Jan1st 2013! This year has had some major ups and downs for me in regards to weight and I have been able to open my eyes to so many things. I still have a way to go... and still have many mental things to work on and improve but I know I will get there... This year I have done something I never thought I would be able to do. For the first time in my life I have lost weight and kept it off... but not only I have lost weight I have lost alot of weight... I have lost 26lbs... I started this year at a hefty 222lbs and am now 196lbs... and to top it off this weekend I bought a pair of size 16 jeans...not the size 18/20 that I was having to buy at the start of the year.

I can achieve my goals, I will beat the demons, I am starting to slowly fall back in love with my body and myself.

 

My next post will be 31st of Dec 2012... Weigh In.... but lastly have a great Christmas everybody and THANK YOU ALL from the bottom of my heart as I truly believe that blogging has been the thing to keep me on the straight and narrow and without your support I wouldn't have been able to achieve the 26lbs loss....

 

HAPPY CHRISTMAS EVERYBODY!