Binge Fest...

Hi all, so how is everyone doing? I was doing fine... until today. Weighed in yesterday back to 182 which I am pleased about especially as I had 4 days of quite heavy eating as I explained last time. I have gone back to the gym which I am really pleased about as well. I started doing HIIT training and did really well on the running machine. 

Anyway...today wasn't a very good day... I just totally binged and its so awful. I know why it happened and how... I forgot my Veg juice which I was really annoyed about as I had made a really yummy one... I am really organized and make everything the night before, I get my clothes ready for the next day and my gym bag all set ready to go so I have no excuses...anyway... I went to the gym... had a great run and then went to work but didn't have anything for my breakfast as thought I had packed a breakfast bar, but I had forgotten that and couldn't have my juice early as had forgotten that as well... anyway... I then had to go out and get some lunch and got a salad.. I got a smoked salmon and avocado salad and asked for some sundried tomatoes with it..a gluten free brownie and an apple... I didn't need the brownie but there was lots of choice and while I was waiting for the lady to make my salad I was looking around... If I hadn't looked around I wouldn't have picked it up (FIRST MISTAKE) then when I got back to the office I opened up my salad and it was literally dripping in oil..I actually had to tilt my plate and soak it all up with some kitchen paper. It was awful... 

Then I think the brownie kind of induced a further sugar craving and I ended up having a big slice of chocolate cake, it was a girls birthday in the office, I knew I didn't need it but ate it anyway... (SECOND MISTAKE)... then when I got home I don't know what was wrong with me but all I could think was "eat before anyone comes home and sees" ... so I had 6 slices... yes SIX slices of toast with butter and jam and then 2 Ferrero Rocher (THIRD MISTAKE) 

I don't know what was wrong with me.. even now as I sit here I feel sick from eating so much and can feel the fat of the butter in my stomach and mouth but at the same time keep on thinking of food.... I know that if I had remembered my juice this morning then none of this would have happened....but I did and then I couldn't control myself... I know that I can't have bad things in the house... I throw biscuits out if I know that I can't contain myself etc and try not to put myself in a position where I am going to be tempted... But I just think why after all this time can I still not control myself... and why am still sitting at 182lbs...( well I know why... Its all the fricking toast I have eaten today!)... 

There is a girl in the office who has lost 49lbs in a 12 months...and here am I 42lbs down, still struggling to control binges, still struggling with  getting below 182lbs, still gaining and losing and have been doing it for 18 months.... what's wrong with me... why can't I focus and sort it all out for the final time???